Being the last person with no one else around makes you notice every little thing. The most obvious thing is the cheering. They cheer you for your spirit because it is obviously isn't for your talent. Not if you are in last place. I am very torn about whether I want that cheering or not. I think that I am supposed take it like any compliment, with a smile, and that is what I do but there is a big part of me that hurts each time a water station volunteer tells me how great I'm doing. Or when a random car driving by honks and the driver yells out the window that I can do it. I know I can do it. I know that for me and for all the other people that don't even get out there, I am doing great but somehow their saying it, lessens it. It is the runner's world version of a pity date or cooing over an ugly baby. Maybe it is the tone they use or the subtle implication that I need the encouragement cause they don't think I can do it. I think I would be ok with people telling me to keep it up. Telling me to keep it up somehow makes me feel like they expect me to finish and they are just reminding me not to wuss out because they are watching. You're doing great seems like they are giving me an out. Like if I can't make it I am still great for trying.
I am not still great for trying if I don't finish. I mean, if I hadn't trained or if I twisted my ankle, I would still be great for trying but that wasn't the case today. Running 6 miles is not insane for me. I can run 6 miles. If I wussed out and didn't finish I should have been ashamed. I want people to know that. Just because I am fat, just because I was a good decade older than all those runners doesn't mean I'm not a runner. It just happens that I am a slow runner.
No one likes to be pittied. No one likes to spend and hour and a half thinking that the guy on the bike behind them, the volunteer at the water station, the random passerby, or the runners walking back to their cars because they finished the race a half an hour ago admire the spirit of the fat, slow lady who obviously is not fit to run but is still giving it a go anyway.
I think that writing this I found my answer. Don't cheer. If you have to say something why not some tough love. That is what I say to the people that I am running near in races. I told one kid not to let the snotty girls have the satisfaction of beating him. I told the old lady I raced to the finish to kick it because I was. I told the woman who I was 30 seconds behind for 5 miles that she better not give up at the end after keeping me in her dust the whole race.
If you want to support me, tell me I need to go faster, tell me I better beat the 2nd to the last person, tell me I need to step up because you expect more of me than to just finish. You expect me to PR every time. You expect me to kick it. You expect more than a good spirit. You expect me to be a runner.
